"You are my sunshine"

The sun is slowly, but surely, rising.
After my miscarriage it was so dark that at times I felt I was permanently blind.  However, I was, thankfully, very wrong.  My heart is healing and I see the sunrise.  And it's gloriously beautiful!

When I have my days where the grey clouds roll in on my sunshine, my amazing Anna knows how to light it back up again.  On this particular day, I couldn't sit still for even a few minutes without my mind wandering back to my miscarriage and my eyes filling up with tears.  At one moment when this happened as I was sitting on the floor watching her play, she walked up to me and wrapped her chubby little arms around my neck and gave me the biggest hug.  She brings such a smile to my face and happiness in my heart that there are not enough "thank yous" I could offer to God.  I am extremely grateful for the Holy Spirit leading my daughter to love on me when I need it.

My sweet Anna,
I have always called you my sunshine and what truth that nickname holds for you.  

Date Night

Kyle and I went on our first real, no worries about time, date since Anna arrived.  We have snuck away here and there a few times  for a quick bite to eat or run a fast errand or attend a meeting while Anna played with Lolli, (grandma).  However, this was a drive in no hurry, sit and talk even after plates have been cleared off table and waitress continues to ask us if we need anything else, drinks, dessert, "what time is it?" kind of date.  I would be lying if I said that I never checked my phone once...or 20 times.  I did also text my sister, (the amazing babysitter), to make sure all was well.  However, it was just about us two for the few hours.
It did my heart and soul so good.  I have the best of times with this man.

The Lovely Life...

   On August 28th, Kyle and I received the best news from a stick with two pink lines.  We were expecting number 2 to be added to our small tribe.  We were excited, thrilled and overjoyed.
I wrote Anna a letter in her book journaling about how she is going to be a big sister and what an amazing one she was going to be.
Kyle and I would lay in bed and talk about the future of having two small ones. How we needed to move into a bigger house to fit us all. We talked and dreamed about this exciting new adventure we were entering into in just 9 short months.
   However, exactly 2 months and a day later those dreams of the adventures with that little one was shattered.  I had miscarried.
   My heart and soul aches.  I don't understand.  I don't know why this had to happen to us.
That's sometimes the beauty of life.  Not always knowing why certain things have to happen.  Why we get hit so hard with pain and loss.  It's too dark to see that beauty right now.  However, I know it's there.

There's way too many emotions I am going through to even try to explain them.  Some moments I will be fine and smiling and then my thoughts snap back to what my reality is right now and then before I know it, I have tears streaming down my face.  Some moments I wonder why I am acting like such a victim.  So many women go through this.  I am not the first nor will I will be the last.  Then, I have to remind myself, like really have a talk in my head to myself, that it's okay.  Be sad.  Allow yourself to cry and mourn.   Then there are the moments when I become afraid of getting into the emotion of being angry and bitter.  I know it will come.  People have told me.  And I know myself.  I will get there.  I think my reason of fear of that time is because all my hope and comfort right now is God alone.  I am holding so tight and gripping onto the peace that God hasn't left me.  He has a plan and a will.  Hell, if I know what that will is but I know He has it.  I am afraid of what happens to me when I am mad at Him.  What will I hold onto??

Thankfully, I have the most amazing support system that I don't know how I would walk through this dark and bumpy path without them.  My husband has been my rock.  I loved him so much before that my heart could burst.   When I thought I couldn't love one human being anymore, this has all made me realize that yes, I can love a person more.  And I do.  Through this, I thank God so much for placing him in my life.  Not just as a man I get to call my husband but also my best friend.  My soul mate.
Then there is my family.  My lovely sisters who came over the night of.  We all sat on my bed, along with a brand new niece and a mobile nephew, and just talked.  We talked a few minutes of the miscarriage but we just talked like it was any other night.  It was exactly what I needed.  Just a little normal to give my thoughts a break.
My friends who sent me a simple text message of letting me know that they were thinking and praying for us.  That if I needed anything, they were there.  They probably have no idea how much I appreciate them.  Because I knew that if I needed them to do anything, they would do it in a heart beat.  Them assuring me of that in this dark time was so comforting.
What would I have done without all these lovely people??  I often asked myself if I regretted telling people that we were expecting so early, before we got to hear the heart beat.  My answer is no.  And when God blesses us with a third pregnancy, we will tell those same people again.  Because I know that, just like with this last, they will celebrate the news.  And if, (Lord please forbid!), we have to walk this path again, they will be there for us.

I am healing emotionally.  It's been one hell of a roller coaster this past week but I know that I will see the sunshine again.  I see the rays peeking through the small holes, (some days brighter than others), and I live and breathe in that comfort that there is a light at the end of all this.

*It's been a whole week since we lost the baby.  I have started this post 3 days after it happened and could only get a few things out here and there.  I wasn't even sure if I would post this because it's all so jumbled and who knows if this would even make sense to anyone else.  It's so raw and....real.  
However, I am choosing to.  For no reason other than I just need and want to let some thoughts out of my brain, heart and soul.  Just as there was no major reason to even start a blog other than to share my life as a wife, momma and being just...me.  So, here is a "Sarah's lovely life" kind of post.  It's not always bright and chipper with birds singing along to my tune as the other forest animals come and gather around like some Disney movie.  It can be ugly and cloudy, (sometimes those dark heavy clouds).  Yet, it's still a lovely life that I will be just as thankful for.  

The time has come

Anna no longer needs....no, let me rephrase, no longer wants "mama milk". 17 months. That's how long we lasted. I knew this time was coming. Milk supply was dwindling. Anna wasn't nursing as much. I was even ok with it...or so I thought. I never wanted to go through weaning. I wanted it all to happen naturally. However, that day that we went the first whole day of her not nursing, I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad. I believe physically I was ready. But emotionally it was a different story. She even clung to daddy more. Of course that makes me happy. But it also made me a little sad. I have always been her comfort. She is sick? Mama milk is the answer. She just fell and skinned her knee? Mama milk is the answer. She oddly woke up in the middle of the night? Mama milk. She is crying and we have no idea why. Give her mama milk. I enjoyed being the answer and fix to all things. I learned I did more than I thought.
She actually fell and banged her head on the hard floor just last week. Of course she cried and honestly, I wanted to cry with her. The sound of that fall hurt me. I did try to nurse her to help comfort her. She latched for a few minutes then just let go and gave me the look like, "umm....nothing's there". Then went back to playing.
As sad as it is to say goodbye to any milestone in life with a babe, it always means a hello to a new one.
So, I welcome you new adventures and milestones with I big grin and open arms.

The many adventures of breastfeeding

Taken by Plumb Photography

"We'll always be friends, right?"

Jenny & Sarah

 

Who can say that they have had the same best friend for 23 years?  Me!  That's who.  Seriously, from 5 to 18 years old, we were inseparable.   We were always staying the night at the other's house.  When we would leave the other's house, we would call each other right away and talk on the phone for hours.  We even watched the same movie while on the phone with each other!  Me: "Want to watch Fox and the Hound together?"  Jenny: "Yeah!"   We insert the VHS in the VCR.   Jenny:  On the count of three, push play."   True story.  We really did that.   It's crazy!  However, she was my best friend and I guess you could say, we just enjoyed each other's company that much.  We would dress up like we were crazy and walk around my neighborhood.  Then go back home and change back to normal and walk again.  If we happen to see the same neighbors outside we would ask them if they saw our twins.  We just thought we were so clever.  ;)
Let me just tell you, all these popular youtube videos and tv shows that play pranks or just do stupid things and became famous for it.  I believe they stole our ideas.  However, back in our day, we didn't have things like "youtube".  Therefore, only we know the truth that we are the originals.  Too many great stories to list them all here.  But trust me, they were good.
We were crazy, wild and goofy.  We had/have more inside jokes than I could ever begin to count.  We have had many laughs, tears, disagreements.  Our lives have gone down two very different roads.  However, I love that we always just pick right back up where we left off.  Just a text message with just one word, "kimmy", and we have each other cracking up.  
I do consider myself to hold such a rare gem, that is our friendship of 23+ years, and I am so thankful for it.  I am so proud of her and the person God has made her.
I love you Jenny "B".  You're my best best best x100000000000000000000000000000000 friend!

reading old letters we wrote to each other from as early as '96
We had some really good laughs.   As well as some shaking our heads.  haha
*picture taken by Jenny B herself :)

Hello?...Hello! Anyone there?

Oh, hello there.  It's been a while, yeah?  I finally dusted off the cobwebs on this little blog and decided to come back.  It's a busy life being a mama of a toddler, ya know. 
There will be no detailed catching up on the crazy, but lovely, life of the Hock clan.  Who has time to sit and read a novel?  Much less, write one.  Not I. 
June and July have been amazingly awesome months that flew by all too fast.  We have had few to no beach days.  It's hot down here, folks!  There have been lots of playdates with cousins and friends; welcoming new friends into the world; mommy and daddy dates alone while Anna hangs out with Pop and Lolli; getting ready for weddings for family,(Kyle and I are best man and matron of honor in 2 seperate weddings.  As well as Anna being a flower girl); crafting; coffee dates with siblings; dancing; playing; laughing, etc., etc, etc.  It's been a busy, crazy and hot summer.  But oh so fun.  I love it!

My joyful Anna.  Her new obsession is to wear a necklace, (besides the amber). 

Family Sunday Funday

May is filled with many birthdays.  There are three just in my family alone.  Though I guess when you have 2 parents with 9 children, 6 in-laws and 24 grandchildren, you're going to have multiple birthdays every month.  By the way, we do!  Except February.  No birthdays that month.  It's the month of rest, as we like to call it.

Today we celebrated the three May birthdays.  My amazing dad turned the big 6-0!  Leila and Noah, (who are siblings), also celebrated their day of birth.  It was a fun day of grilling out, slip and slide, corn hole, tearing of presents, chocolate mustaches from cupcakes, good conversation and lots of laughter.  

We had the grandest of times.

My dad with just half of his grandkids.  Love this moment captured!