On August 28th, Kyle and I received the best news from a stick with two pink lines. We were expecting number 2 to be added to our small tribe. We were excited, thrilled and overjoyed.
I wrote Anna a letter in her book journaling about how she is going to be a big sister and what an amazing one she was going to be.
Kyle and I would lay in bed and talk about the future of having two small ones. How we needed to move into a bigger house to fit us all. We talked and dreamed about this exciting new adventure we were entering into in just 9 short months.
However, exactly 2 months and a day later those dreams of the adventures with that little one was shattered. I had miscarried.
My heart and soul aches. I don't understand. I don't know why this had to happen to us.
That's sometimes the beauty of life. Not always knowing why certain things have to happen. Why we get hit so hard with pain and loss. It's too dark to see that beauty right now. However, I know it's there.
There's way too many emotions I am going through to even try to explain them. Some moments I will be fine and smiling and then my thoughts snap back to what my reality is right now and then before I know it, I have tears streaming down my face. Some moments I wonder why I am acting like such a victim. So many women go through this. I am not the first nor will I will be the last. Then, I have to remind myself, like really have a talk in my head to myself, that it's okay. Be sad. Allow yourself to cry and mourn. Then there are the moments when I become afraid of getting into the emotion of being angry and bitter. I know it will come. People have told me. And I know myself. I will get there. I think my reason of fear of that time is because all my hope and comfort right now is God alone. I am holding so tight and gripping onto the peace that God hasn't left me. He has a plan and a will. Hell, if I know what that will is but I know He has it. I am afraid of what happens to me when I am mad at Him. What will I hold onto??
Thankfully, I have the most amazing support system that I don't know how I would walk through this dark and bumpy path without them. My husband has been my rock. I loved him so much before that my heart could burst. When I thought I couldn't love one human being anymore, this has all made me realize that yes, I can love a person more. And I do. Through this, I thank God so much for placing him in my life. Not just as a man I get to call my husband but also my best friend. My soul mate.
Then there is my family. My lovely sisters who came over the night of. We all sat on my bed, along with a brand new niece and a mobile nephew, and just talked. We talked a few minutes of the miscarriage but we just talked like it was any other night. It was exactly what I needed. Just a little normal to give my thoughts a break.
My friends who sent me a simple text message of letting me know that they were thinking and praying for us. That if I needed anything, they were there. They probably have no idea how much I appreciate them. Because I knew that if I needed them to do anything, they would do it in a heart beat. Them assuring me of that in this dark time was so comforting.
What would I have done without all these lovely people?? I often asked myself if I regretted telling people that we were expecting so early, before we got to hear the heart beat. My answer is no. And when God blesses us with a third pregnancy, we will tell those same people again. Because I know that, just like with this last, they will celebrate the news. And if, (Lord please forbid!), we have to walk this path again, they will be there for us.
I am healing emotionally. It's been one hell of a roller coaster this past week but I know that I will see the sunshine again. I see the rays peeking through the small holes, (some days brighter than others), and I live and breathe in that comfort that there is a light at the end of all this.
*It's been a whole week since we lost the baby. I have started this post 3 days after it happened and could only get a few things out here and there. I wasn't even sure if I would post this because it's all so jumbled and who knows if this would even make sense to anyone else. It's so raw and....real.
However, I am choosing to. For no reason other than I just need and want to let some thoughts out of my brain, heart and soul. Just as there was no major reason to even start a blog other than to share my life as a wife, momma and being just...me. So, here is a "Sarah's lovely life" kind of post. It's not always bright and chipper with birds singing along to my tune as the other forest animals come and gather around like some Disney movie. It can be ugly and cloudy, (sometimes those dark heavy clouds). Yet, it's still a lovely life that I will be just as thankful for.