Finding Joy


A few days ago I was reading Anna's birth story that I posted HERE .  It was 3 months after I had her that I posted it.  After reading it, I was reminiscing about that day and those moments of just having her and us becoming a family of 3 for the first time.  I was getting teary eyed reading it remembering how happy and joyful I was with her birth.  How I had no regrets or anger toward my doctor and that baby high you get.  Ah, that baby high. It was so surreal.  Kyle and I made this sweet being who I got to carry in my body for 10 months and and now holding in my arms.  I love everyone in the world kind of high.  I missed it.  All of it.  I would be lying if I said that soon after posting her birth story I didn't go through a lot of regret.  Being angry at my doctor.  Feeling a pinch of jealousy as others around me had their sweet babies and they were able to do it naturally.  Feeling like I wasn't even given the chance to feel a hint of labor.  My horrible doctor took my baby out before her or my body were ready to let go.
After doing research I was upset that I wasn't told about websites such as "Spinning babies" or wasn't told more information as far as chiropractic care.  All that would have helped Anna flip.  I was so angry that I was told my fluids were low and we needed to get her out when in fact they were NOT dangerously low and there was no consideration that I also hadn't drink anything that morning.   I no longer saw the miracles that God did when it came to my birth with Anna.   I was feeling robbed.  If I only knew that it was myself doing the robbing.   I was robbing myself of the joy that was my testimony.  I went through my time of anger and bitterness at my doctor.  Then one day God really dealt with me regarding it all.  The fact is, He really did answer my prayers.  He really did show Himself through the birth of Anna.  I was able to bond and connect with my baby.  I was able to heal amazingly physically after such a major surgery.  I did in fact have joy!  That was all so genuine and real.   The main fact is- I did give it all to Christ.  I did pray that His will be done.  However He wanted and planned for Anna to come into this world be done.  I might not ever know why His will was for it to be through c'section.  However, who am I to argue with God?   To say that I know more or I know better?  
Here I am over two years later and I can say that my joy in regards to the birth experience with Anna is back. Maybe not in the same shape or form as it was when I first had her for I am still finding joy.  I am still finding joy in all circumstances.  I also have my days where I wish it would have gone differently.  Then I think about how I more than likely wouldn't know what I know now.  I wouldn't have looked into midwifery care.  I possibly wouldn't be planning and preparing for a home birth of this baby.   I am also no longer angry with the doctor I used.  I think I just needed to find someone to blame and who better else than the doctor.  :)  
I also think about how after having Anna I kept thinking "there is always next time".  How so true that is.  For that, I am so incredibly thankful.  Of course, the birth hasn't happened yet but I have no doubts that my prayers for this birth will be answered as well.  This little guy will enter earthside here at home and it will be peaceful and joyful.